I read an 1896 guide for being a good wife, so you don't have to

Maidenhood and Motherhood is an 1896 guide for women by John D. West. As a self-proclaimed expert on the female sex, he advises ladies on all matters of life, starting with their maidenhood years and progressing on to their inevitable motherhood, along with all the wifely duties that stage of life entailed. The advice he gives ranges from a bit helpful to absolutely insane. Below are some thoughts I had while reading this book to help you decide if this is a text you want to read today or if it is better left behind in the dust of history.

Thought 1: I guess it's refreshing that the author doesn't sugarcoat the whole marriage thing.

Going into a marriage accepting you'll sacrifice more than your partner isn't a great mindset. Even in Victorian times, this opened the door to all sorts of bad behavior, like making bad investments in horses or starting a brothel at the cost of shoes for the children.

Thought 2: For Victorian women lacking a social life and personality, marriage actually sounded rather grand.

If I were an extremely lazy person, this would be enticing. I wouldn't have to think of what show I wanted to watch or what food to eat. My husband would be there to tell me what I like. In fact, he could tell me what to do and how to feel for the rest of my life. Imagine how freeing that would feel to the right kind of person.

Thought 3: I forgot that the song went, "Make no friends, forget the old…"

I must have read that wrong. Certainly, this doctor is not suggesting that a woman can't remain friends with the girls who have been around her since childhood. They experienced the trials of courting, the pain of boarding school, and all sorts of challenges. Maybe I misread.

Nope, never mind. You have to say, "Sorry, gals. I have a husband now. You can do nothing for me."

Thought 4: This makes marriage sound super dull. I wonder how many single women this book enticed into that lifestyle?

If I were trying to convince women to marry, I would not open with this. Instead, he could talk about all the fun they would have. What fun? Come on, dude, give me something to work with here. How will I convince my single friends to marry?

Thought 5: This guy would love tradwife influencers.

I've always wondered where those tradwives influencers got their ideas. Now I know—old Victorian guidebooks.

Thought 6: It's good to know she won't be lonely after giving up all her companions. Who needs her friends when she can have his friends?

Yeah, let's replace those irreplaceable female friendships with his Victorian bros. Totally the same. Or she can be friends with his female relatives who will keep none of her secrets and take his side in every fight. I can't see why anyone would cry over their new married life.

Thought 7: If I ever date someone who refers to my body as a "receptacle of the life-germ" please know I need rescuing.

Ew.

Thought 8: Blaming the woman for a brutish husband. Interesting choice.

The author is basically saying, "Sucks to have a husband who beats you. Guess you shouldn't have skimmed the earlier chapter, you lazy bones."

Thought 9: I'm sure this guy's mistress was thrilled with him.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that many mistresses were treated pretty well by the man they had an affair with. If they weren't, they'd choose a better man. The wife has no such option before the era of easy divorces.

Thought 10: When marriage sounds like a monster coming to eat you, perhaps you should do another round of edits.

When I see the phrase "Forever swallowed up," I think of a Lovecraft horror story. This man's editor should have sat him down and asked if he wanted to make marriage itself the villain of the story. My guess is he did not. Maybe a rewrite is in order after lots of introspection.

Thought 11: Well, he's wrong again. However, this would be an amusing phrase to have on a mug.

This is one of those phrases you throw out there when trying to win an argument. It doesn't really mean anything, and it's certainly not true, but it looks good when you post it on social media.

You know what? I think I will have that mug.

Thought 12: I've always yearned for the same rights as livestock—at least a cow.

I'd be a bit nervous to be with a man who only understood he was in the wrong if I said, "Babe, would you subject your horse to this kind of behavior?"